Knapp's Model: Differentiating

 Knapp's Relational Model

Hello everyone, this week we are going to be taking a look at a personal relationship of mine as it relates to one of the stages of Knapp's Relational Model. Fair warning: somewhat disturbing images and topics are briefly discussed, but no extremely graphic images. 

If you've ever wondered just what are the mechanisms of creating, maintaining, or even ending a relationship, Knapp's Model may be interesting for you. Created by Mark Knapp, a professor from the University of Texas, born in 1938, the model breaks down relationships into 10 steps in 2 stages: coming together and growing apart. Each stage differs in approach, outcome, and duration. 

As a young person coming originally from a small town in America, the idea of growing apart from your friends seemed so strange at one time. Why would we ever look at each other differently? What could we ever disagree about so badly that might cause one person or the other to just cease contact? Before a few years ago, I couldn't have really answered these questions. But, as I went through life and gained my own perspective, I found it increasingly difficult to relate to an old friend's perception. I found myself disagreeing with his opinions more regularly and generally caring less about what he had to say. There were a couple reasons for this: First, hearing his thoughts became increasingly uncomfortable, and second, I couldn't reconcile being friends with someone who I vehemently disagree with about core values and beliefs. This was the beginning of the DIFFERNTIATING stage, and it was the hardest part for me.

To be specific, I was the best of friends with this person I grew up with. We stayed friends well into adulthood. I met my wife at his wedding, at which I was the Best-Man. I always held respect for him and wished him the best. But we both had drastically different lives after high school. He went into the military, I went to college. I went from being a somewhat right wing Republican to a Radical and a Marxist in less than ten years. He went deeper into right wing militarism. It was this fundamental political difference that we could not reconcile. 

We began getting in arguments over text and online platforms. Neither of us could accept the other one's positions. I married a social worker and ended up working for several years in a social services agency. I saw the plights of capitalism and the effects on people's live and the weight it bears on society. I spoke to refugees who's lives were destroyed by the military campaigns of the United States and the businesses and politicians they support that my friend also supports. I tried to relay to him the massive wrongdoing, pain and suffering we are bringing upon the world, and his response? "I think we should just carpet bomb the whole middle-east and just be done with it," and other similarly heinous musings about political activists in our own country. 

I couldn't believe the lack of empathy and critical thinking. What kind of a bubble has he created for himself that could lead to such a perception of the world? I still can't rationalize this, other than to say each of our opinions are of the culture we reside in, no matter how right-and-wrong I think the situation may be. Economic and other basic political ideologies aside, I can't pretend to be friends with someone who supports the endless wars for profit with such amazing disregard for life. Especially when they work in and profit from the military industrial complex themselves because then it stops being just words when you actually contribute to it. It was just too much, I just stopped trying. The bond was broken. I no longer shared whatever common beliefs we had that held us together for so long. I just didn't know how to relate to this person anymore. All I felt was an immense pressure to convince him otherwise.

We drifted apart and only spoke a few times after that, and not for a few years since then. I honestly hope he and his family are doing well and that we can reconnect eventually, but as someone who is so politically passionate, I'm not sure how that meeting will go. Regardless, studying Knapp's model has made understanding what happened with my friend so much easier. It is interesting to be able to identify these steps that we went through exactly as they are laid out. Perhaps being able to recognize the differentiating stage in the first place will be key to preserving future relationships (if they should be preserved).